First of all I have no idea how far I will take it when my kids are older, but right now at 3.5 and 2 I try to let them test limits and boundaries without helicoptering. I am not going to let my kids run around my neighborhood, but I often wonder what my friends might think of my philosophy because I am definitely a little individualistic on this idea. Some people might misunderstand my inaction as laziness, but honestly I am doing it on purpose, but when my friends correct my kids I smile and go with it. I don't see anything wrong with them getting different points of view.
Here are a couple of examples. Today Erik didn't nap and when that happens he goes crazy, to the point where I can't control his behavior and am yelling and giving him timeouts constantly. Today was a gorgeous day, we had been sitting for almost two hours watching "Tangled" and the boys needed to get outside. So I put some water in the water table, opened the windows so I could hear and see the boys clearly and told them they couldn't come inside until dinner. Just to clarify, my backyard is completely fenced and they could fall two feet in front of me just as much as when I am in the house cooking dinner. If I was worried about them falling I wouldn't own a swing set!
At first they both freaked out. They stood by the door crying and insisted on coming inside, but I held my ground, told them no and just waited to see what happened. Well actually I went into the kitchen to get dinner started. The next time I checked on the boys they were really busy. Sometimes when I looked they were playing with the house or on the swing set together and sometimes they were playing independently. There was minimal fighting and they seemed to be enjoying themselves. I appreciated how quickly they found something to do when I told them they couldn't come back inside.
Then I looked outside and Erik is putting dirt on the swing set. Sometimes I don't mind in small quantities, but I could tell by the gleam in his eye he planned on putting a lot there. He didn't nap so he had no impulse control that afternoon. I went out there to stop Erik and just get a general sense of what was going on. As soon as I am out there everything breaks down and the boys start fighting. This is what I found most interesting, when I stepped back and let their play evolve on its own they played in peace, but the minute I interfered they both started crying and fighting. I say, let them play outside by themselves if they are going to get along better and it gives them the sense of independence and testing the limits my boys crave.
Another thing that got me thinking was when we went hiking yesterday. My friend Tracy asked me for the best place to take her girls hiking and then invited us along. I decided Stough was a good beginner hike because it is wide, a gradual incline and there are tadpoles to see at the end of the hike. My boys have been on this hike a lot so I am comfortable with them up there and give them free reign. The first time I was up there I did helicopter a bit to make sure they didn't go over edges and Carl yelled at me. Now I trust them to be safe even when they throw rocks over the edge because I have watched them test the limits while I helicoptered and know that they worry about falling just as much as I worry.
This is a very old picture, but you get an idea of what the ledge looks like.
My friend hadn't been up there so of course she treated her girls the same way and her girls were a bit more reckless than the boys, but she always got worried about my kids. It got me thinking if my friends think of me as lazy. I am by no means wanting them to go over the edge, but I am not commenting or controlling the situation on purpose. If they get to a dangerous spot I will discuss that with them, but if they want to stand near a ledge and throw rocks down a hill I am totally fine with it. The same thing happened while they were using some flowers as swords. She stopped them, but in my mind and what I told her, is that the worse that would happen is that it might get it in their eye, but they wouldn't be seriously hurt and would learn a lesson if that happened. So I just let them play swords with flowers.
So my question is, do those who like to hover a bit more think of us "free range" parents as reckless and lazy? If so, know I am doing it on purpose and it is philosophy on how I want to raise my kids. Of course if you feel safer correcting them I am okay with that too because kids need to learn different methods of disciplines and limits from different people and I am fine with that too.
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